This is a blog bout losing. Sports is a lot about character development and teamwork, it’s about strategy and nutrition, but a lot of it is about results. At the end of the day we all want to feel like the sacrifices are “worth it” and in the eyes of many, that “worth it” is really tied up with which step of the podium you end up on. Of course the goal here, for optimal health, is to not set goals around results. Goals in general should always be process oriented, predicated on things you can control. But it doesn’t mean athletes don’t get gutted by poor results or performances, and often when you are in a support role to an athlete, it feels like you never say the right thing.
Chances are, if you’re reading this blog, you’ve been in that moment. I know I have, both on the receiving and giving end many, many times. Whether you’re an athlete or the parent, partner, relative, friend or fan of an athlete, read up for a 10 step guide on how to support an athlete after a bad result or performance. If these steps don’t work, blame my sports psychologist. Or my parents, probably.
Step One
You know what they say about assuming. (Don’t fucking do it. That’s what they say, right?)
I can’t tell you the number of times it has happened to me or a friend. You feel absolutely jazzed about a PR or a top 10, and a well-meaning family member will say, “Oh, you must be so disappointed.” Well Janet, I wasn’t disappointed but now you are making me feel like maybe… I should be? A surefire way to get on the same wavelength as the athlete you’re supporting is simply to ask: “How are you feeling about your result?” If they are feeling jazzed about it, it’s easy to get on the jazzed bandwagon. Your journey as supportive friend just became a lot easier. Put your own feelings aside and start gushing, Janet! “Omg!” “That’s incredible!” “So proud of you.” If you ask and indeed they are feeling shitty about it, proceed to Step #2. Important to note that this question is always a good question whether your friend got 1st or 111th. Leaving space for athlete emotions and feelings will always be your best first clue to how best to support them.
Step Two
Okay, so you have a bummed athlete. Bummer. I find the most helpful second step is checking back in with their feelings. Something along the lines of “Do you want to talk about it?” or “I’m so sorry you feel that way. How can I best support you right now?” The things I think to avoid in step two are jumping in with your own interpretations or feedback on what went wrong. Unless you are this athlete’s coach, or they have specifically asked you for feedback, this is a body glide level slippery slope. “You should have just shot the ball!” “You needed to use your arms more!” “You should have pushed a little harder on the hills!” That type of feedback in that type of moment is just not helpful to anyone. It’s so tempting, and usually comes from a good place, but it really is like telling someone who fell out of a tree that they should have held on better. Just don’t do it.
Okay, let’s say you’ve held inner Coack K at bay and asked a very Brené Brown style “how can I help” question. Your athlete says, “fuck off.”
Step Three
You fuck off. Come back later.
Step Four
We’re back at your Brené Brown question, and your athlete says something like, “I just can’t believe that happened” or, “I’m such a loser” or, “This guy gets me every time, I’ll never win.” In my experience, this is the trickiest scenario for the support person. Because the knee jerk response goes one of two directions: either empty encouragement or more tree holding advice. The empty encouragement is the category of “You’ll get him next time!” “You’re so young still!” “This race doesn’t even matter!” It’s non actionable, and usually it makes promises that the athlete knows are empty. “You’ll win this race someday,” or some variation is such a common way to encourage athletes, but it’s just not true, or really that helpful. Your athlete might never win a single race. They might get injured and never compete again. The tree-holding advice has been covered in step two. Still not super helpful in the scenario where your athlete is opening up to you, unless your athlete explicitly asks for it. Also, it’s worth acknowledging that this is a very tough moment for the support team! Just like athletic performance, you will probably get it wrong and coach up your athlete in the wrong moment. Give yourself some grace but DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
Step Five
Okay, so what might you say that might actually help your athlete deal with a tough performance? You’re a parent and your child has just blown the game by letting 6 goals past her. She slams the door and says, “I suck.” When any athlete performs badly and translates that result into “I suck,” they are conflating the result with their identity. Therefore, the correct response to this is to remind them that this result has nothing to do with who they are, only what they did. A good response for a child is literally the same response to anyone who feels like they are a bad person because they had a bad performance. “I loved getting to watch you.” “I love seeing you play.” “I’m so proud of you, always.” “A result will never change the way I feel about you.” “I’m so honored I get to be here with you.” “Your journey is so amazing.” “You’re an awesome person.” “I love you so much.” You’d be surprised how much athletes of all ages behave like children. But don’t we all want to hear, “I’m proud of you?” It might not fix the situation, but hearing, “I loved watching you” is better every time than, “You should have protected the left side of the net.” This I can 1000% promise you.
Step Six
Let’s say your bummed out athlete says something different. Same bummed out child, but she says “I’ll never be good enough at soccer to win.” Or your friend says, “All of this was a waste of time, I did even worse than last year.” (YIKES.) This is another super sticky situation! And I too have been made uncomfortable trying to console friends who say stuff like this. It feels stupid, contradictory and unhelpful to simply refute the claim, “I’m not good enough,” (“Omg yes you are!”) because, frankly, according to the rules of le sports, they weren’t! They lost! But we all know that millions of people do sports, and only a fraction of us win. If the situation feels calm enough, this could be a moment to have a convo about why your athlete does sports anyway. You could ask, “Is soccer only about winning for you?” If your child says yes, then there are other fish to fry. If you can get them to admit that no, they like spending time with their friends, they like running around, kicking the ball etc., then you can help remind them that they will always be good enough to enjoy soccer. No one gets to take that from them, ever. Same thing applies to your friend, whether she’s a weekend warrior or an Olympian. If her sacrifices aren’t feeling worth it, try to help her remember why she plays. If winning is the only thing that matters, maybe she needs a new gig.
Step Seven
Let’s say you have an unconsolable athlete. Nothing you say seems to help. Maybe someone who even says, “You always say the wrong thing!” Or “I don’t want you to come to my next race.” Something that so many of us who are involved in sports have to come to terms with is the part we play in another person’s journey. Whether your athlete is 3 or 93, their athletic journey is their own. Your relationship to an athlete does not guarantee you access to their emotions or big moments. If you’re a parent or team manager, your relationship could guarantee you decision-making rights, but the most happy and motivated athletes have been proven to be ones that have maximal autonomy over their athletic decisions. If your child is an athlete and she says, “I don’t want you to be at the race,” she is taking a huge risk. She is trusting you to respect her choices about what she needs to do her best, while also trusting you to know that she loves you just the same. It’s not about you. She loves you, but something about your presence is hindering her performance. One more time for the people in the back: it’s not about you.
Step Eight
Step eight is about you. I want to make it very clear that none of this is easy. As support people for others in sports, we work very, very hard. And we *never* see the podium, or get the public recognition that support really deserves. Sports is a massive effort that’s like an iceberg: the athlete floats along up top and there’s a massive team of people holding up from underneath. It can be absolutely crushing to hear, “I don’t want you here” after you’ve given so much of yourself to this person or project. But being a truly supportive person for anyone in life means if what they are asking for is less from you rather than more, that you give them just that.
Step Nine
There’s a decent chance that everything I’ve written in here is totally unique to me and absolute garbage to the ears of your athlete. If all else fails, go back to step one, with a twist. When your athlete is in a good mood, ask them what they would like to hear, both when they do well, and when things don’t go their way. Simply ask, “What are your goals for today?” “If you do/don’t reach them, how can I best support you?” This conversation will signal to your athlete that you really care about them and want to center their experience. Even having this conversation with a very young athlete can be fruitful. Learning their one and only goal is “to win!” will help set you up for failure later on. So it could be a moment to help set more process oriented goals and then help them celebrate achieving those later even if they lose.
Step Ten
If you’ve made it all the way to step ten, congrats! You officially really care about the athlete in your life. And that, my friends, is the only thing that really matters at the end of the day. Remind your athlete how much you like them, just the way they are. Everything else is temporary, and hopefully their mood won’t last long.
Good luck!
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Written by Skyler Espinoza
Photo Credit to Nico Sandi
Em[Power] 